I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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