it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
