I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
