He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
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He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
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Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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