I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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