Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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