I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I think my fart just growled at me.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
