She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I didn't notice because vodka
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
