I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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