respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
