your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
