my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
