when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
my being single is dangerous.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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