Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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