Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
