If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
