Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
