the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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