two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
