I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
