In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
