do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
nutella sex= disaster
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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