I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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