she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
