I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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