What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
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I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
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I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm too high and old for this...
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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