Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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