it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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