i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
