I wish my penis had an off switch
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
smell my finger.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
