Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
