Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
