How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
