You made me cry and you don't even care
Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
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