I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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