No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
