I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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