Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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