I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
