i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
