Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
