do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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