you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
