Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
