I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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