Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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