Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
