Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
