i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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