only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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