Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Randomize
