She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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