youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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