fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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