The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
