I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
