I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
