my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
